When my daughter entered high school, the pressure about college began in full force.
There were lists of things to do, certain grades to make and projects to complete to be a front-runner for college admissions. Everything felt like a “have to,” including the competition with an ideal image of the “perfect student.”
The pressure was intense. When she entered college, it began anew with the focus on entering the workforce. The competition was with the “perfect college graduate.” Unless you matched that image, you were seemingly out of luck.
Competition can be healthy. It can also fuel perfectionism.
When competition motivates us to do our best, and we are satisfied with our best, that is a good thing. When competition pits us against one another — or against an unattainable ideal image — and leaves us unhappy with anything other than winning, it can promote perfectionism.
The overwhelming pressure of perfectionism skews our self-perception, and we begin to believe we are not good enough or never do enough.
Perfectionism can affect us as parents, too. We all want to “get it right” with our kids. We do our best, and if perfectionism rears its head, our best may not feel good enough. In addition to being discouraging, it ripples out to your children, sending the message that perfection is the goal. For you, it becomes challenging to be present with your children when you are feeling the pressure of having to be perfect.
How can we rid ourselves of the toxicity of perfectionism?
Here are a few practices to begin the exorcism.
Make connection your intention. Measure yourself not by external markers — the college, the job, what other families have, what other children are doing — but by the level of trust and connection between you and your child. Measure yourself by the safety you create because safety is paramount.
Pause. The power of the pause is greatly underestimated, especially in our “hurry up” culture. Pause at moments when you feel sad, afraid, hurt or angry. Ask yourself what is happening within you at those times. A belief may be present under the surface. For example, a mom recently discovered that when her child interrupted her as she was engrossed in a task, beneath her feelings of frustration was a belief that she “wasn’t worth it.” Understanding those beliefs can change more than your perception alone.
Know that you need not be “on it” 100% of the time. When your child experiences a moment of need, they need you to understand their request and meet their need one-third of the time for them to develop secure attachment. They need you to hang in there until you understand their request another one-third of the time. The remaining one-third of the time, when you don’t understand and don’t meet their need, is the time that resilience is built. Pressuring yourself to be understanding and fully present 100% of the time is not only impossible but not necessary for secure attachment.
Practice self-compassion. This is especially valuable when you are doing things for the first time. Along with the birth of your child, each new age and stage is a “first time.” If that inner voice is slamming you — you are doing it all wrong, someone else is doing it better, or you simply aren’t good enough as a parent — take a pause. Would you talk to someone you care about this way? Probably not. Practice talking to yourself with the same care that you would give a dear friend. If your inner critic is relentless, give yourself permission to receive some coaching or therapy to support you in shifting your inner voice.
Recognize the good results and let your children see you acknowledge those results. When something goes well or you had a good moment, acknowledge yourself. Go beyond a brief recognition. Let it soak in. Relish it. Feel it in your body. Share it with your children. Good results are not about winning. Good results can be taking baby steps in the direction you want to go, being present for someone, listening attentively, learning something important during what may be considered a “fail,” and taking good care of yourself.
See the big picture. When my daughter was in college, it was rigorously emphasized that having an internship was a requirement for getting a job upon graduation. Only it wasn’t. It can serve you to step back and see the big picture, free of the pressure, competition, and overwhelm.
Our culture promotes competition and perfectionism. Living from those cultural mores doesn’t jibe with the way we are wired. We are wired for connection. We accomplish more and enjoy the process more through cooperation.
Not only is the quest for perfection futile, as none of us will ever be perfect, but our children don’t need perfect parents. Our children need our perfectly imperfect selves.
Maggie Macaulay is the owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, offering coaching, courses and workshops. Contact her at 954-483-8021.or Maggie@WholeHeartedParenting.com.
The Santa Fe New Mexican observes its 175th anniversary with a series highlighting some of the major stories and figures that have appeared in the paper's pages through its history. The collection also includes archival photo galleries.
